June was a hard month for me. In some tangible ways I can point to: Gray’s broken arm and subsequent struggles to keep him from continued dare-devil attempts while it healed; Audrey’s sensitivity around his broken bone; my sensitivity around it; trying to switch my online site around; various projects we had planned previously which were steam rolling ahead despite all the other things which had come up. But mostly it was the intangibles: the feeling that a stage in my life was ending, that I was being called to something new, a new inward journey of sorts and out of that a new way of being and acting in the world around me.
Change has always been a struggle for me. I fight to control the world around me and to predict the outcomes of my decisions. And over and over again I’ve been taught to let go and trust. But really, I have a hard time with that. I do it, but usually under great stress and anguish. Trust is not easy for me. And yet, over and over again I find myself at a place where that is what I need to do. Trust. And then simply do the next thing that the situation calls for. And then trust again.
At the end of this month of fighting the idea of letting go and trusting, of knowing that change was coming but not knowing exactly what or how (still not knowing as I type), our dear friend and Buddhist Zen Master came over from England for a visit and spent four days with us. I’ve known him for quite a number of years now. He came into my life at a time where I was being called on to trust and let go and do the next right thing in front of me. During a very, very difficult point in my life. Before I had kids, before I even had an inkling I was being called to be a mother and an herbalist. While I was still fighting to stay on the path I had planned, not the path that was calling me.
He moved to England during this time and we’ve kept in touch via email. Both that contact and my sitting meditation practice (sporadic since having kids but nonetheless helpful) have helped me embrace this new stage in my life. But email of course isn’t the same as in person. And now as another stage in my life is ending and I find myself knowing I’m being called again to trust and let go of my plans and to do the next wise thing, he came to visit. Coincidental? Of course not.
He came to meet my kids (who quickly became very attached to him, especially Audrey). And to talk about the process of sitting with uncertainty and letting go and trusting. As usual, his kind and wise words and his gentle presence have been of great help. And his friendship continues to be one that I treasure. I feel a sense of shifting and of growing trust. And sadness. I will surely miss him until we meet again in person. As I know we will.
Let’s see where this new path takes me, shall we?